Section Four: The Weird and Wacky World of Monte Cristo

In my explorations of abridged editions, children's editions, comics and manga and derivative works, I'd run across some unintentionally hilarious things. The two available unabridged books (intended for an adult audience) have some subtle humor, as written by Dumas, but that's not the subject of this page.

It's in the adaptations where the comedy gold lies, because some play so fast n' loose with the material. Some of them are bad translations. Some of them are from attempts to make the story "exciting" or to wallpaper-over some of the more NSFK elements (or even add NSFK elements). Some are from rewrites that make characters behave in bizarre ways. All of these made me laugh, and brought out my Inner Snark Monster(tm)!

The Prisoner of If, in Ainsworth's Magazine. 1845, Credited to Wm. H. Ainsworth. From "Chapter 98: The Bell and Bottle Tavern". Ainsworth's Magazine did not publish the complete book, and "Chapter 97: [Eugenie's] Departure for Belgium" was not included. So, the dilemma was: how to have Andrea arrested? Solution: Replace Eugenie and Louise with "two elderly (and un-named) maiden ladies"!

The Count of Monte Cristo. Puffin Classics. 1996, abridged by Robin Waterfield. Does not contain any chapters about Dantes finding the treasure(!). Dantes just escaped from D'if... he's soaking wet, has no knife or tools, or clothes. He's starving, exhausted and thirsty and scared that his escape will be discovered... and then... the scene jumps to Caderousse's Inn, the Pont Du Gard. Caderousse sees a rider, a priest (actually Dantes in disguise) arriving. Readers: "What happened to Dantes? Is he still alive? Was he rescued? Did the find the treasure?" Editor: "Oh, was that something interesting that people wanted to read?"

The Count of Monte Cristo. Oxford World Classics, 2008. Cover art cloned by Seedbox Press, LLC, 2012. I'd always thought of the cover of the Oxford World Classics edition as "the dude with lipstick" cover. I'm not really in the market for yet another 1846 Chapman-Hall translation, so it was never on my "must purchase" list. Just recently, I found out that the SAME painting (dude with lipstick) was used by a different publisher for Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities. This can get confusing.  "For my birthday??? Thank you! Wait- this is A Tale of Two Cities. I wanted The Count of Monte Cristo." "But it's the book with the lipstick dude on the cover, right? I saw a picture of the book you wanted, so I bought it". "Errr, it's OK. Dickens is great too!" E-books make things even worse... it's possible to buy a lookalike edition of the right title (but without the David Coward Intro and Notes unique only to Oxford World Classics). The clone e-book is by a "Seedbox Press" who presumptuously claimed the copyright on a public domain work.(!!!)

The Count of Monte Cristo. Bantam Classics, 1956. Cover art cloned by Centaur Classics, 2016 and Bookrix GmbH. I've kinda wanted an e-book of my preferred abridged edition- the one from Bantam Books, translated and abridged by Lowell Bair. Then, I saw something... looks almost correct but before clicking "Buy It Now", I really had to ask myself, "Who the heck are Centaur (Books)?" Did some research, and this "Centaur Classics" company (?) is simply offering yet another e-book of the 1846 Chapman-Hall translation... the one in public domain and a free-for-all as far as anyone-and-his-brother being legally able slap their own company (?) name on it and sell it. How can they put a copyright sign on their offering? Who they think they are? Bookrix? What a load of BS! They went so far as to use cover art cropped from the legit and desirable Bantam Classics Lowell Bair translation to fool people into buying their crap. Content is, again, the 1846 Chapman-Hall. Don't be duped by these quick-buck artists! Don't hand over your money to imitators!

The Count of Monte Cristo as Retold by Sherlock Holmes. Illuminated Publications Limited (ebook). 2013, by Holy Ghost Writer. In addition to many misspellings, this takes the cake. From "Chapter 67: At the Office of the King's Attorney". Madame Danglars is visiting Villefort to discuss their latest crisis- the alleged discovery of their dead baby boy at Auteuil. Villefort talks about how Madame Danglars had married Villefort (himself).

The Sultan of Monte Cristo. Illuminated Publications Limited (ebook). 2013, by Holy Ghost Writer. In this sequel, Mercedes, living in Marseilles, discovers a long-lost letter from Dantes' father, revealing Edmond's secret origins. In true DaVinci-Code fashion, turns out that Edmond Dantes, via his mother, was descended from the Merovingian Dynasty as well as Mary Magdelene, with roots in the House of David! The letter mentions that the Dantes family had received "strange visits from men claiming to belong to various orders of knighthood". Interesting! So where the heck were these knights (implied: members of a powerful secret society) when Dantes needed them most? Like, when Edmond was hustled away and locked in Chateau D'if? Couldn't these knights have used their influence to have him freed? (headdesk)

Dodgy fake movie tie-editions of The Count of Monte Cristo. Beyond Books Hub; Classic Edition Annotated Illustrations; Goldfish Classics; China Intercontinental Classics; Manoj Publications Whether we like it or not, the Disney/Touchstone/Buena Vista 2002 movie is the ONLY Monte Cristo that a lot of people had experienced. To take advantage of the influx of noobs, there's a bunch of dodgy e-books floating around that shamelessly pilfer their cover art from the movie, with no credit or permission from Disney/Touchstone/Buena Vista. I thought that Disney was big on defending their IP? The text content is mostly recycled public domain (1846 Chapman-Hall). The ONE "authorized" movie tie-in book, from Penguin Books, is the "Standard Abridged Edition" and not from the movie's screenplay or script. So people buying it, hoping to read the movie-version of the story, will be sorely disappointed. Revenge? Why is it taking so long? Who's Maximilian and Valentine and Haydee? If Disney/Touchstone/Buena Vista were serious about a movie tie-in book, they should have gone the route of Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992). Two different versions exist, both using cover art from the movie. One is the original Bram Stoker novel, and the other is a novelized version of the movie screenplay. Win/win.

Illustrated Classic Editions- The Count of Monte Cristo. Moby Books. 1979, abridged by Mitsu Yamamoto. In an added scene, the Count and Jacopo go to Leghorn to sell a few diamonds for cash and order fancy tailored duds. They check into a luxurious hotel and Jacopo is totally excited to walk on such luxurious carpet. He'd never done that before in his whole life!

Penguin Readers- The Count of Monte Cristo. Penguin Books. 2000, retold (abridged) by Karen Holmes. The entire substitute ending is a hoot! Dantes, after finding the treasure, goes home to Marseilles. He's in a hurry to see his father. The older man is dying, being tended to by Mercedes. Edmond arrives just in time before the father dies. Then there's a completely irrelevant sentence that says, "Napoleon returned to France in 1815". That was 23 years ago their time, so why does this little piece of info matter to any of them? Dantes sails away with his one true love, Mercedes. No revenge.

El Conde de Montecristo. Selector S.A. De C.V. 2006, contributor: Francisco José Fernández. We know that Edmond Dantes was young, but not THIS young! This Spanish translation depicts Dantes as a toddler, who just escaped from Chateau D'if! I'm just flabbergasted that in this odd-duck universe, 2-year olds are thrown in cold, dark, lonely prisons! How dastardly! This child abuse must stop!

The Adventures of The Count of Monte Cristo, adapted from story by Mark Twain . Brijbasi Art Press. (date unknown). What's this? I find the oddest things on Amazon's website. Here we have a book, The Adventures of the Count of Monte Cristo by Mark Twain! As much as I'd love to read Mr. Clemens' take on Monte Cristo, I'm certain that this is a typo, and that the publisher is less-than-reputable.

Calico Illustrated Classics-The Count of Monte Cristo. Magic Wagon, a division of the ABDO Group. 2010, adaptation by Karen Kelly. Ends with Danglars' fate and not the Count's. Because we don't want to know, nor care about what happened to the Count, right? The book really is 112 pages and this IS the last page.

Illustrated Classics Series-The Count of Monte Cristo. Diamond Books (India). 2011 The back cover insists that this book "must be read by youth, housewives, students and executives", making this eminently mockable. Executives? One would think that a CEO can afford a better book... one that has better grammar, fewer misspellings and is not a plagiarism?

Jaico Illustrated Classics-The Count of Monte Cristo. Jaico Publishing House (India). 2019. Why is Trump on the cover of The Count of Monte Cristo? Was there supposed to be a comic book about the life of Trump and the cover art got switched? Or was this to pander to a small percentage of the American electorate to buy imported books from India? Luckily, there are multiple covers for this book, so people can choose which one they want to buy if they don't want a "Trump book" in the house.

Jaico Illustrated Classics-The Count of Monte Cristo. Jaico Publishing House (India). 2019. From "Chapter 6: The Deputy Procureur Du Roi". Villefort's first appearance, and he's "more royal than the King". If that is so, why isn't he the King then, instead of Louis XVIII? Why settle for being a measly prosecutor if he can rule the entire country? The illustrations look like they were scanned from a different (and old) book with yellowing pages and pasted in, instead of locating the original camera-ready artwork. Or, the thought was: why pay an artist to draw new artwork when existing art can be mooched?

The Count of Monte Cristo. Jumbo Comics. 1938-1940. The writer(s) and the artist forgot that the story was set in 1830's France. The beginning of the comic was fine- the clothing and setting looked appropriate. Serialized over a 2 year period, by the time it reaches the ending, the dialogue, clothing, and behavior of the characters degrade into a 1930's gangster flick. The hulking guy in orange is "Villefort" and the little weaselly guy in green is "Danglars" and watch as they slap, punch and shoot each other! They were supposed to be French aristocrats!

The Count of Monte Cristo. Classics Illustrated. 1947. Good scripting, but sometimes bad art. In this panel, at the Carnival in Rome, a massive Albert (in the carriage) looms over a miniaturized Franz (in yellow, standing outside the carriage). This is due to bad perspective. People in the foreground are supposed to be larger than people in the background.

The Count of Monte Cristo. Four Color (Dell). 1957 Due to the complete absence of Fernand at this point in the comic, Lucien Debray receives a dubious promotion to "top bad guy". Debray and Danglars (in this comic) are excellent sword fighters, and use these skills to try and kill the Count. They lose... so maybe Debray should have stuck with buying and selling stocks and enjoying his affair with Madame Danglars instead? Make love (and money) not war!

The Count of Monte Cristo. Marvel Classics Comics. 1977. Marvel Comics had taken a few liberties with the Caderousse/Benedetto (aka Andrea) showdown. This is so full of action! And in a way, it's a bit better for Caderousse- he has a possible chance of winning this fight, instead of being stabbed in the back (by Benedetto) unawares!

The Count of Monte Cristo. Marvel Classics Comics. 1977. Marvel Comics just can't get enough of swordfighting, so they'd inserted MORE of it. At Fernand's inquiry, Haydee testifies, and Fernand is completely pissed off. The Count (who is attending the proceedings) gets verbally confrontational, and Fernand whips out his sword! He and the Count have a duel- right there in court! Ummm... it doesn't work that way. What if every defendant in court brought a sword and attacked their accuser? Why have a court at all? See, duels were held in some secluded location, between "gentlemen" and their seconds, and handled outside the law.

The Count of Monte Cristo. Seven Seas Entertainment. 2017, story and art by Ena Moriyama. You know that overly-affectionate golden retriever puppy? The one that waits patiently for you to come home, and when you open the door, the pup comes bounding out from who-knows-where, jumps all over you, nuzzles you, and tries to sit on your lap at every opportunity? That's Haydee here! OMFG, this is so humiliating. I feel bad for her, considering how dignified her literary counterpart is. This manga girl Haydee is out-of-control with almost no sense of propriety for the mid-19th century. Get a grip, girl!

"Life is a storm, my young friend..." from: The Count of Monte Cristo movie. Touchstone Pictures. 2002, screenplay by Jay Wolpert, starring Jim Caviezel and Guy Pearce. ARGHHHHHH! I can't stand it! This "Life is a storm..." inspirational speech is perennial meme on the Internet. It's constantly associated with The Count of Monte Cristo and Alexandre Dumas... but guess what? Dumas didn't write this! It's actually a quote from the 2002 Touchstone Pictures (Disney) movie. It's unfortunate when pop culture completely replaces genuine literary masterpieces in the collective public memory. Just think of how less profound these memes would appear if they were properly credited to TV producer/screenwriter Jay Wolpert.

Master: An Erotic Novel of The Count of Monte Cristo. Signet Eclipse. 2008, by Colette Gale. Ever read The Count of Monte Cristo and wished there was more sex in it? Well, "Colette Gale" (a pseudonym) had written an all-sexxed-up version of it. Just imagine Monte Cristo in an alternate universe, where Mercedes, completely unsatisfied with her hubby Fernand (who is a homosexual), goes off and has multiple affairs with different men. And then, a mysterious, alluring, "Sinbad the Sailor" (Dantes in disguise) enters her life and she just can't resist him. At least sex with Sinbad is consensual. Once the Count (Dantes with a new persona) arrives in Paris, he re-connects with her and let's say that their various episodes of physical intimacy are not always...voluntary. I feel a bit sheepish in admitting that I'd read the whole damn thing. It was for research, honest! The Count and Mercedes both come off badly- playing one-upmanship sex games with each other. I'd like to dedicate a song to this alternate universe Edmond Dantes/The Count... it's by Pat Benatar and it's called "(Stop Using) Sex as a Weapon". This easily fits in the category of "Weird".

The Count Of Monte Cristo: The Wild And Wanton Edition (5 volumes). Crimson Romance. 2013-2014, by Monica Corwin. Oh, hell no! Another all-sexxed-up Monte Cristo, but seemingly less explicit than Master: An Erotic Novel of The Count of Monte Cristo (listed above). It's mostly Chapman-Hall's staid and creaky Victorian-era translation. The first glimpse of new material (written by Corwin) appears in "Chapter 3: The Catalans". After Mercedes makes Fernand shake Edmond's hand and Fernand runs off, there's a jarring interpolation of a modern-day romance/bodice-ripper when Mercedes and Edmond tear off their clothes and have (pre-marital) sex in her little shack. What makes it even more obvious is the shift in tone, narration style, and dialogue! You don't have to be an English lit major to notice this- it practically jumps out of the page! After sex (and putting their clothes back on) the happy and satisfied couple go back to their stiff and formal Chapman-Hall selves as they greet their frenemies at La Reserve. There's newly-added parts of Villefort and Renee de Saint-Meran also having premarital sex, which brings up the awkward question: In an era before reliable birth control, what would happen if Renee, or Mercedes, or any of the other women found themselves pregnant without a husband? It's like Monica Corwin completely ignored the consequences of an out-of-wedlock child! Was she thinking of having a troop of little Benedettos wandering around? Many things don't sit well with me: a) splitting the book into FIVE (300-350-ish page) separate books looks like a cash grab. b) The poor integration of new material with the old. Either edit and modernize the Chapman-Hall text so the new stuff blends in easily, or re-word the new stuff in the same style that Chapman-Hall used. No mix and match.