Section Five: Holy Plot Holey, Batman! 2002 Monte Cristo Movie Plot Holes

Let's have a little fun, Batman and Robin!

Don t get me wrong... the 2002 movie (starring Jim Caviezel and Guy Pearce) is an old-fashioned action/adventure romp that made money at the box office, has higher-than-averge ratings, and is the ONLY Monte Cristo experience that a lot of the general public has ever had. As long as one is happy to shut the brain off and grab some popcorn and sit back for some light-hearted, simple entertainment, the movie serves a purpose.

BUT... one doesn't even have to be a Monte Cristo book devotee to see a bunch of logic leaps and plot holes. Let's have a look!

PART ONE: EXCITING EXCURSION ON ELBA

1. Fernand Mondego (we later find out that he's an aristocrat, a Viscount), is onboard the Pharaon for the entire voyage. He's the shipowner Morrel's representative (???)
2. Dantes is an idiot. He fires a pistol in the air (at Elba) to get the attention of a troop of understandably paranoid and skittish English Dragoons making sure Napoleon doesn't escape. We know what happens next... First extraneous swordfight (#1) and slugfest!
   
3. Napoleon asks Dantes to deliver an "innocent, sentimental letter to an old soldier" in exchange for his physician's services. Dantes (the sucker) agrees. Long scene of the Captain being seriously sick. Zzzzzzzz. Why are they spending so much time on Elba?
4. The letter is to a "M. Clarion". Why was Noirtier renamed?  Is there some sort of trademark on the name?
5. Why is Fernand (a son of a Count, and an aristocrat) is even hanging out with Dantes? In a way, he's very, very progressive for this time. The movie makes it sound like Fernand and Edmond grew up together as BFFs. Really?
   

PART TWO: LANDING AT MARSEILLES

1. The Pharaon lands in Marseilles. The Captain's dead body is carried ashore. Yuck! In an age before refrigeration, why was the Pharaon carrying a dead body?
2. M. "Clarion" (Noirtier) arrives in Morrel's office, looking for a bumbling kid from the Pharaon who has a secret letter for him. How...did...he...know...that? If Napoleon convey that, why didn't he use the same method to send his secret message to Clarion directly and not need Dantes as a go-between?
3. Villefort has a very frumpy wife, Valentina. Initially, I thought she was his mother!
   
4. Fernand wants Mercedes as his wife. Again, how progressive! He's a Viscount, and will eventually become a Count, and he wants to marry a commoner girl?
5. Fernand drinks with a very grungy "first mate" Danglars. Because again, Fernand is very progressive and doesn't act like a nobleman and he's happy to drink and rub shoulders with the hoi polloi. So, with all of his lower-class friends and lovers, is Fernand REALLY committed to "Liberte Egalite Fraternite"? Is he the good guy, then?

PART THREE: ARREST!

1. Villefort asks if Dantes had read the letter (isn't it sealed?) and Dantes says he can't read. STOP! As second mate of a ship, how can he take command if the captain and first mate are dead or disabled? How can he read a chart, or keep a log? If he's illiterate, shouldn't he be a simple crewman? 
2. The letter is about the English beach patrols on Elba. Not about, oh... mustering troops and support for Napoleon upon his return to France on a specific date and at a specific landing spot...? How was Clarion supposed to know when and where and from whom to pick it up? 
3. Villefort offers Dantes a "ride home" in his personal carriage. But Dantes is such a naive idiot that he willingly climbs into a locked, barred carriage, because he doesn't know the difference between someone's personal transport and a paddy wagon. He's that dumb? Yep. 
4. Fernand is peeved and betrays Dantes because he didn't share that info about the letter from Elba. And why??? Is Fernand that nosy and needs to know everything that happens in Dantes' life? Why does the letter matter to him? 
5. Dantes grabs a sword, and we get to see "Extraneous swordfight #2". Dantes fights badly, tries to run, trips over furniture, tries to grab Fernand's sword with his bare hand (none of this works) and gets disarmed.

PART FOUR: DUNGEON TIME!

1. Dantes arrives at D'if. The world-weary warden, Dorleac "welcomes" his new charge by informing Dantes of a yearly "anniversary special": a whipping. So... how does that work? Does Dorleac have a calendar? As they die off from starvation, torture, exposure or infection, he has to scratch off their names, or make a new calendar with new blank spaces for incoming prisoners?
2.  Villefort is told that Napoleon has escaped from Elba, has already landed in France and is on the march to Paris. Gee, wouldn't it have been nice if that letter had something to do with this, and not something trivial about English beach patrols on Elba? 
3. Clarion is a moron, practically dancing in the streets once Napoleon re-takes power. 
   
4. Back at D'if, Abbe Faria burrows into Dantes cell. Faria does not have blood on his clothing, so does that mean that Faria is exempt from yearly whippings? 
5. Why does Faria get the luxury of real BOOKS in his cell? In a way, this movie diminishes Abbe Faria's accomplishments, in making books from memory and tools out of nothing at all. He just gets books here, at least 5 of them. 
6. We get to see what they eat- ONE ladleful of watery soup, once a day. Why haven't they all starved to death by now? 
7. Napoleon is plugged as "the bad guy" again, first for lying to Dantes about the letter and now he was the one who threw Faria in prison to get information about the Spada treasure. Why all the Napoleon hate? 
8. Since Faria was a former soldier, Dantes wants to be taught about how to use a weapon. That brings us to a Karate Kid Training Montage. They make all kinds of racket using sticks for "Extraneous swordfight (#3)". Why hasn't a guard heard anything? 
9. Dantes has been given at least 2 new changes of clothing, but all of them are pre-ripped and tattered. Where'd these come from? Castoffs from the poor? 
10. The jailers are just as poorly dressed as the prisoners, in torn and dirty clothing. Why??? Where did these guys come from? The dregs of society? 
11. And speaking of wardrobe, Dantes has added a necklace of bird skulls to his, which is ridiculously bulky, inconvenient and would make it more difficult for him to scamper in and out of small tunnels quickly (rolls eyes). 
12. Dantes never addresses Faria properly, as M'sieu L'Abbe, Father, or even Faria. He just calls him "priest" which sounds disrepectful. So what would he think if Faria only called him "sailor-boy"?
    
13. Faria dies, and his body is stitched into a sack. Dantes takes his place in the sack. In order to ratchet up suspense, Dantes takes an entire bottle of stupid pills and sloppily leaves the entrance to his tunnel uncovered, and doesn't bother to disguise Faria's body in his own cell. The guard notices and immediately raises the alarm. All this happens because Dantes is still a dunce, despite Faria's training. Instead of smartly covering his tracks and delaying discovery for as long as possible, he does just the opposite and almost lets his escape plan fail. 
14. A weight is chained to Dantes' body with a PADLOCK. Why throw that into the ocean, when a prison could use as many locks as they can get? Since the body-in-a-sack was "dead" anyway, why waste a perfectly good, functional lock like that? 
15. Dantes kills Dorleac after pulling him into the water. So... one might wonder, why was Dorleac even created for this movie? My guess was to provide audiences some instant gratification. The revenge plotting takes a long time, so Dorleac was inserted as a minor-league baddie to allow Dantes to get a little payback ASAP just to keep an audience with a short attention span happy.

PART FIVE: WITH THE SMUGGLERS/PIRATES/BANDITS

1. Dantes almost drowns, but manages to land on a nearby island, where he's caught by Luigi Vampa's gang, but they're not based in Rome and just happen to be on an island within swimming distance of D'if. How lucky! They make Dantes fight Jacopo "to the death" and that brings us to "Extraneous sword/knife fight #4".

PART SIX: MARSEILLES

1. Dantes visits Morrel and he's really, really hoping that Morrel will recognize him, but no dice (this is just a little pathetic). In yet another deviation from the book. Morrel informs Dantes that the elder Dantes "hanged himself", which is, I guess, a quicker death than self-starvation? So, Morrel is taking on Caderousse's role with exposition.
2. Morrel tells Dantes that he's reluctantly took on Danglars as a partner, and Danglars forced him out, leaving him with nothing. Morrel also mentions that Mercedes hastily wed Fernand ONE MONTH after Dantes was arrested. Sheesh! What's the hurry? (we'll find out her reasons later- LOL)
3. Dantes leaves Morrel with a small sack of money. And, since he hadn't gotten the treasure yet, the money is simply his sailor's wages from Vampa. This is dumb and badly timed... why couldn't this scene be moved to a later spot in the movie- like AFTER Dantes finds the treasure and is in a position to gift Morrel a much larger sum that could make a real difference?
4. Jacopo proudly tells Dantes that he's bought them a boat- as in a little skiff- no larger than a rowboat, and with THIS they ROW to Monte Cristo island, which is only 400+ km away, in a little rowboat with only a tiny sail. < this would be sheer torture!
   

PART SEVEN: MONTE CRISTO ISLAND

1. Dantes and Jacopo arrive on Monte Cristo, and don't seem to be totally exhausted from rowing there... hmmmm. The treasure cavern is a long, difficult hike over very rocky terrain. Inside the cavern, Dantes finds at least a dozen sunken treasure chests. Next: quick cut to Jacopo (over)loading the skiff with several of the chests. First off, that little skiff would easily SINK under the weight of all those chests. They need a real ship. Second... it's unclear how Dantes brought those dozen chests from being underwater! And how two men could possibly carry even one chest over all that rocky terrain? This is so laughable that I keep thinking the chests are full of plastic party-favor replica pirate coins. 
2. Now that they're rich, Jacopo asks Dantes what he wants to buy. Dantes replies, "revenge". Against Danglars (ok), Villefort (ok), Fernand (ok) and Mercedes (not ok). WTF is wrong with HIM? What did SHE do that deserves retribution? Maybe if he asked Morrel, he could have found out that she was TOLD, in a letter from Villefort, that Dantes was executed?
3. Jacopo gleefully suggests that he could just go and kill Dantes' enemies by shooting them all. Dantes says, no, death is too good for them. They must suffer as he did. They must see their world ripped from them. But since this particular movie-Dantes isn't very bright, lets stay tuned and see what kind of non-clever plans he can come up with!

PART EIGHT: BACK TO PARIS AS THE COUNT
 

1. Jacopo arrives at a rich guy's estate and offers to buy it, right then and there. The rich guy scoffs, until Jacopo opens the tailgate of his wagon and gold and jewels spill out. The rich guy happily hands over the deed and the keys to his estate, and rides away in Jacopo's wagon, WITHOUT a baggage train. He's leaving his property without packing up? Shouldn't he take away all his personal belongings BEFORE handing over the keys?
2. Fernand Mondego is a serial philanderer- he's been having an affair with some dude's wife and he's got a duel the next morning with the wronged hubby (Extraneous Swordfight #5). Fernand wins the duel. So why did he want Mercedes so badly in the beginning of the movie, just to go and cheat on her later?
3. Fernand is rapidly losing money gambling, and is behind in paying his loan on a ship. And he's strangely very personally involved in having a cotton shipment delivered. So, he had to work for Morrel as "the shipowner's representative" and now he has to be his own bookkeeper. The Mondegos must've been a pretty piss-poor family of "aristocrats" since Fernand has *always worked* for a living.
4. Jacopo barges into the Count's bedroom, without knocking and calling him simply, "Zatarra". Because he has no manners. Jacopo has intel that Fernand has a son... a 16 year-old one, so now we have a better idea how much time had passed since Dantes was imprisoned... 16 or 17 years. We also see that the years have been kind to Fernand and Villefort- they look great- EXACTLY the same as they did 16/17 years ago! 
5. Albert, Fernand's son goes on a trip to Rome with his friends to celebrate his 16th birthday. He gets kidnapped by a gang, and they're ready to cut off his finger with the family ring on it, and (of course) a "mysterious stranger" appears to rescue Albert. And so we have "Extraneous Swordfight #6". The "stranger" is The Count and he sends Albert to safety and pays off the "kidnappers" aka Luigi Vampa.
6. The Count invites Albert to breakfast with him in Rome. He and Jacopo "let slip" the information that he's shipping the Spada treasure to Marseilles, and it should arrive in three weeks.
7. Back in Paris, Albert has a HUGE, expensive 16th birthday party. Fernand takes Villefort aside to discuss "business". Seems that Albert flapped his yap to Dad- "Oh yeah! The Count is having a shipload of the Spada GOLD sent to Marseilles, should arrive in three weeks." Why is that kid such a blabbermouth? Fernand and Villefort plot to steal the shipment.
8. Meanwhile, back at the party, Fernand is absent for the toast, so the Count steps in. He gives an "inspirational speech" ("Life is a storm, my young friend [...]") which has unfortunately become an Internet meme, attributed to Alexandre Dumas (< Pssst! Dumas never wrote that). Because (shakes head) in the battle between pop culture vs. literary masterpieces, pop culture will always win out.
   

PART NINE: THE TRAP

1. Quick cut to a ship docked with chests of gold onboard (<this must be 3 weeks later in Marseilles). Danglars, acting on his own, unknowingly hires Luigi Vampa and gang. Danglars tells his thugs to put two chests on "the Pharaon" for "our cut" and "Mondego will never notice". So this means that he *still* owns the Pharaon and Morrel's shipping business. So Dantes' little gift to Morrel didn't do much for him AND he never visited Morrel again as the Count to enable him to... y'know, buy back his business?
2. Two additional chests are very easily hoisted into a wagon and driven away by Vampa, lending even more credence to my theory that they are full of plastic party-favor pirate coins. 
3. The Count, Jacopo and a large troop if French soldiers show up to arrest Danglars. Danglars tries to fight, but not with a sword, so this doesn't count as a swordfight. Danglars uses anything that's handy: his cane, a ship's belaying pin, a nearby stick, but none of that works. The Count wraps a dangling rope around Danglars' neck and pushes him overboard, revealing "I am Edmond Dantes". Because this a PG-13 movie, the Count tells the soldiers to cut him down before he strangles.
4. The Count visits Villefort in the sauna because he's the hottest Villefort ever in the movies, and pries out his reasons for falsifying Dantes' death. Villefort had Fernand kill Clarion. How stupid! Why would Villefort and Fernand enter such an agreement? Either one could sell out the other when it's convenient. Why not slip word to the local Royalist mobs about Clarion and let them kill Clarion for free, on their own accord? The Count tricks Villefort into telling all, and Jacopo and a group of soldiers come in and arrest Villefort.
5. Villefort is forced to step into a paddy wagon. In the FIRST clever touch and great idea in this movie, Villefort finds a pistol on the seat... "a courtesy for a gentleman". Villefort attempts to commit suicide, only to find the gun is not loaded. The Count's face pops in through the window, and he quips, "You didn't think I'd make it that easy, did you"? Bravo! Some brilliant psychological mind games, AT LAST!
6. Mercedes visits the Count in a darkened room. They argue, and the Count's resentments come bubbling to the surface. He knows that she was TOLD by Villefort that he was dead, but he bellows at her, "Why did you not wait?" What a dumbass! Wait for what? Did he expect her to throw some voodoo ceremony to bring him back from the dead? 
7. She shows him that little piece of string that's been tied around her finger all this time (16-17 years). It looks brand new.  Oh come on! Makes me want to do the string-on-finger challenge: What would that string REALLY look like after just a month of wearing it? He calms down, and they kiss and sleep together.
8. Mercedes returns home, to see Fernand packing. He's about to be arrested for "piracy, corruption and murder". He tells her to pack, but she's not leaving with him. Then she drops the bombshell: Albert is Edmond Dantes' son, not Fernand's! This completely explains her hasty wedding... because Fernand can count on his fingers, right? Not so fast! Maybe Mercedes isn't a heroine or even a protagonist after all? She had sex with Edmond, never even had a marriage date planned, wept when she got a letter that Edmond was executed and then... it's "Oh no, I missed my period! I might be carrying Edmond's child, but he's dead! Oh look, there's Fernand! He wants to marry me, so I'd better say 'yes' and get hitched ASAP and make him believe that the child is his and 'it came a little early'". < That's so wrong! We don't like Fernand, but he shouldn't be bilked like that and fooled into raising another man's son.
9. Fernand abandons Mercedes and rides off to a ruined castle. he finds a wagon and some chests, and THINKS it's his share of the hijacked Spada treasure. But, the chests are filled with dirt. The Count comes from out of the shadows and confronts Fernand, saying that he "wants vengeance, for the life you stole from me". OK, this isn't too bad- makes sense. But, the swords come out, and we have swordfight (#7). The Count easily disarms Fernand (he took lessons from Faria, remember?) but then ALBERT comes in with a sword to protect his "Dad". So, darn, here's Swordfight #8. The Count is just about ready to run Albert through, but Mercedes arrives and screams, telling them to stop.
10. Mercedes tells the Count and Albert that they are actually Father and Son. Fernand, still lurking in the background, pulls out a pistol and SHOOTS MERCEDES. While everyone's distracted, Fernand mounts his horse to ride off and escape. He has a change of heart and COMES BACK, to swordfight with the Count one last time (#9). FINALLY, the Count skewers Fernand, and it's the end of him.
11. Epilogue: Three Months later: The Count, with Jacopo, Mercedes and Albert visit the rock that houses Chateau D'if. The Count says he's done with vengeance and will use his fortune for good. All that he cares about now is his lovely little family, and they all head for home, arm-in-arm. Yayyyyy!
    

BUT... two of his enemies are still alive and are in complete command of their mental facilities. Neither had gotten the scare of their lives, so they can still finger the Count as "Escaped Prisoner Edmond Dantes". Since the Count has a permanent "home" now, the authorities know exactly where to go with a spanking new arrest warrant. Villefort can even tell them, "I knew Dorleac... the prisoner Edmond Dantes was severely whipped every year at D'if. Examine the Count of Monte Cristo! Ask him to explain all the scars on his back!"  

What happened to the Count's vow to make them suffer as he did? To "rip their world away from them". The Count's "revenge" on them wasn't even that personalized. All he did was wave the Spada treasure in front of all of them and they came flapping around like vultures. Zzzzzz. Fernand and Villefort were additionally involved in assassinating Clarion, but we have NO IDEA how the Count figured that out without a confession from either. Just a lucky guess? They were only arrested... nothing that shows them being sentenced to a D'if-like prison. For all we know, they hired lawyers to get them off.