Edmond Dantes and Heathcliff sit down and chat about revenge!
Edmond Dantes and Heathcliff sit down and chat about revenge!
Book Roast: Featuring Wuthering Heights.
So, this is the kinder and gentler book roasting of Wuthering Heights, in the form of a semi-serious, semi-satirical, semi-fanfic. Maybe all poor Heathcliff needed was a friend, a man of similar trauma, life experience, social status and wealth. Someone who can tell him what's what and cut through all the self-delusions and BS. So, let me introduce: EDMOND DANTES, The Count of Monte Cristo!
ED: Hello Sir, some Lit Fans had suggested that we should meet, and here
we are.
H: Yes, So I was told. We have some things in common, I hear? Like a
revenge obsession? Here's my book! Read all about me!
ED: And here's mine. Let's meet in 3 weeks and exchange notes!
H: Deal!
(3 weeks later)
H: Uh oh, I think I see my ex-wife, Isabella. She carries steak knives in
her purse. Let's duck into a tavern, "The Sergeant of Waterloo"? "Cafe
Musain"? "La Reserve"?, your choice my friend, and talk.
ED: So, did you read my story? I was a young sailor, with a job and a
very promising future. I had a girl I loved dearly and we were going to be
married. But a good deed on my part, delivering a letter, as bidden by my
dying captain got me into all kinds of political hot water.
H: I was a homeless and starving orphan on the streets of Liverpool. The
English were racists, see, because I'm a Gypsy by blood. But Papa Earnshaw
came to Liverpool, tucked me in his coat and brought me to his home. But
his kids didn't receive me very well, especially the boy, Hindley.
ED: So I was framed by Fernand and Danglars, and Villefort did a huge
cover-up to save his own father, and this got me sent to the hellhole
prison, Chateau D'if for 14 years. The first 6 were the roughest. I was
alone, going mad and I wished to die.
H: Mama and Papa Earnshaw died when I was still a tween, and Hindley
hated me. As master of the house, he worked me like a slave and beat
me.
ED: You think you had problems? LOL. The girl I loved, Mercedes, saw me
arrested, and tried to inquire about me but got the runaround. She had no
idea what happened to me.
H: Dude! If I could only tell you in words how much I loved Cathy
Earnshaw. We spent time in the moors as tweens to get away from our sh**
home life. We were as one- I was incomplete without her. And she didn't
care that I was a dark-skinned Gypsy boy. She was my everything!
ED: In prison, I met a genius, Abbe Faria. He died, but left me
instructions on finding a treasure. So I escaped from D'if, spent time
with smugglers, found the treasure and came back rich with revenge on my
mind. During that time, Mercedes needed a man to support her, and Fernand
came back from the French wars and proposed. She accepted.
H: Are we twins? I overheard my Cathy talking to the housekeeper, Nelly,
and she said that she couldn't marry me- she'd be degraded. So I stole a
horse and left. I made my fortune by means that I won't mention, and came
back a few years later for revenge! But my Cathy already married that worm,
Edgar Linton!
ED: I spent time moseying up to my enemies, plying them, and their wives,
and children with the things they wanted most, until I became friends with
all of them. And so I wove my web of revenge like a spider in its web.
They all jumped in willingly.
H: I hear you, friend! I came back and overwhelmed Edgar's sister,
Isabella, with my charm, manliness and sexiness. She ran away with me, I
almost killed her dog by hanging, and I married her. And just for revenge
against all the Lintons, I'd beat her. And I threw a knife at her while
she was pregnant. She asked for it.
ED: Wait, you what? You married a woman who never hurt you for spite and
then you beat her? Unlike you, I don't marry innocent young women as a
tool for revenge on others. But go on.
H: She escaped from me, dammit, but I didn't care about chasing her down.
She gave birth to my son, and then she died 12 years later.
ED: I'm an expert at potions and poisons. When I met Villefort's wife,
she had this odd interest in poisons, so I gave her my best tonic, the
Magic Red Potion which could help or harm, based on the dosage. I gave her
clear instructions on how to use it.
H: I moved back to Wuthering Heights as a tenant, and got my revenge on
that Hindley. I got him addicted to booze and gambling, and soon enough,
he started signing away the deed to his property. Then he died and I took
possession of his lands and his boy, Hareton.
ED: Not bad, this one revenge of yours. I manipulated the stock market
and bankrupted Danglars' bank clients, so he started rapidly going broke.
And I turned him against Fernand with my Clever Plan.
H: My Cathy died after giving birth to a girl. I was distraught and I
cursed her to haunt me until I died.
ED: I exposed Villefort's secret baby, the result of an illicit
affair.
H: So, some years went by
and my Cathy's girl grew up. I also reclaimed custody of my son, Lameton, after Isabella died. I made plans on getting revenge against
Edgar (for marrying my girl) and more plans on luring little Cathy into my
clutches and make her marry Lameton. All of this was a play to
confiscate the Linton property. Oh, and to make the Lintons suffer.
ED: Mrs. Villefort started to go out of control with The Magic Red
Potion. I wasn't involved. She had her own interests and agenda, namely
making herself and her young son, Edouard, rich. So she started poisoning
people nilly-willy in the Villefort household, knowing that if the deaths
happened in a certain order, she could secure a hefty inheritance for her
boy.
H: I lured little Cathy into my home, using her boredom and loneliness
and my son Lameton as bait. Then I locked her in my home, forced her into
a marriage with my boy. Even though legally, it didn't hold any water
because it wasn't done in a Church and she was underage.
ED: You did what? Even I wouldn't sink that low. I might break up
marriage plans and maneuver the pawns into positions advantageous to me,
but I make sure that they all act on their own accord. And I don't hold
women captive, I free them. My ward, Haydee was a slave. I bought her and
she's free- just as free as any Frenchwoman in Paris!
H: Such a Boy Scout! Are you sure you're in it for revenge? But go
on...
ED: No animals were harmed during the making of my revenge.
H: Well, I hanged Isabella's dog. Damn thing yipping would have blown our
cover in running away together. I raised Hareton to not give AF about
animals, so he hanged a litter of puppies on a chair. And I declawed and
defanged cats so my pu**y of a son, Lameton, could feel manly by abusing
something smaller and more helpless than he was.
ED: (Sigh) Someday, animal rights organizations will curse your
name.
H: Damned weak Lameton let little Cathy out long enough for her
to see her dying Dad. Once Edgar died, my paid-for Lawyer handled the confiscation of the
Linton property. But be assured that I came back for her and
kidnapped took her back to Wuthering Heights so I could
"make her work for her keep" and verbally abuse her constantly to break
her. How fun!
ED: How depraved is that? I ended up helping LGBT Eugenie Danglars run
away with her girlfriend so they can have a happy life together in Italy.
And I saved Valentine (Villefort) from death by poison and helped her and
Maximilian Morell and get together and I gifted them money and
property.
H: But you had collateral damage, didn't you? Johannes the jeweler
murdered, young Edouard poisoned, Mercedes and Albert newly impoverished?
They got screwed because of your plans.
ED: Yes. But my hand in these disasters was indirect. People had their
own motivations, and my gifts were used for harm. All of them had choices.
I did not make Caderousse murder the jeweler. His own greed did that. I
did not make Mrs. Villefort poison Edouard. It was her crime and
selfishness, and desire to take her boy with her in suicide. As for Albert
and Mercedes, I regret what happened. But their guilt over how Fernand
obtained his fortune made them to renounce their money and property to the
poor. I offered to help, but Mercedes refused.
H: Fair enough.
This analysis
by one ZeMastor is true, then.
ED: It is. So if my deeds were weighed on a scale, in the end, I did more
good than harm. And you, Mr. Heathcliff? Did your revenge make anyone's
life any better? Or might it have been better for all if Papa Earnshaw
left you on the streets of Liverpool?
H: Making someone else's life better, or helping anyone wasn't a
priority. It was about me, my desire for the girl I wanted, my rage and
agony when she died, and my revenge on anyone who represented me not
having her, up til the very end. At best, the people who got away from me
and my heavy hand had the burden of repairing their shattered lives on
their own. Psychotherapy hadn't been invented yet.
ED: And your collateral damage? Ghost Cathy- condemned to remain a spirit
to haunt you, as your curse denied her eternal rest?, Isabella, the
battered wife who foolishly fell for you? Lameton, a weak and sickly boy,
groomed by you to be a Mini-Me sadist? Edgar Linton whose only "crime" was
to marry the girl you loved so you messed with him? Hareton, the
unfortunate son of Hindley, who you worked as an indentured servant and
denied him an education? And most of all, little Cathy, who you abducted,
imprisoned in your house, forcibly married to your son, re-imprisoned and
treated like dirt? Oh and you took Hareton and little Cathy's inheritance
to boot.
H: All of this is true. But I had an abused childhood, and people think
I'm fascinating, and through fiction, they might even sympathize, all
while having no sympathy for IRL criminals who do the same things. Go
figure. I'm a fictional character, so the lurid descriptions of my crimes
can be blown off as a character study or an "unreliable narrator" who's
trying to gaslight people into hating me.
ED: Is that the best you can do? Fall back to "unreliable narrator" to
make yourself seem all right and palatable? Your "adversaries" were weak
and brainless fools and your triumph over them was like shooting fish in a
barrel. Look at who I had to contend with: the Chief Prosecutor of the
King. A wealthy banker with a huge financial empire. A decorated French
General and member of the House of Peers.
H: Well, it is true that their stupidity and passivity made my revenge
easy. I got away with everything. Just like a cartoon or comic book
villain, I told their servant every detail of my Evil Plan(tm) and they
didn't even try to stop me. Nobody even tried to call the police, or
recruit a group of Edgar's gentlemen friends and minister to free the
kidnapped girl.
ED: Must be something in the water- all that widespread idiocy in your
book. Pathetic. Me, I kept my cards close. My own most trusted servants,
and even my ward Haydee were never informed of my full Master Plan(tm).
Each of them had a role to play, and I gave them the info they needed
to play it- and nothing more.
H: So how did things end for you, Mr. Dantes?
ED: I didn't die in the end. But I repented and regretted the actions I
took. I tried to save young Edouard and I failed. I forgave the last of my
enemies, Danglars, and allowed him 50,000 francs to re-start his life. I
humbled myself, prayed to God to forgive me for taking such power, and
acknowledged that supreme power and wisdom belong to God, and not to a man
like myself. For going through this storm, I gained a new love (which some
people object to because of her age, but she came to me willingly), and
I'm sailing away from France with her, gifting a fortune and the words,
"wait and hope" to Max and Val. What did you do to redeem yourself, Mr.
Heathcliff?
H: I... hah.. didn't. I mean, life with little Cathy got a bit less
worse, but she was still verboten to leave. Eventually, I got burned out
on revenge, and felt Ghost Cathy calling to me. Not too long ago, I
creepily had her coffin dug up so I could examine her dead body and I
knocked out a few panels so when I'm buried next to her, we will be physically together forever and our dust will mingle. ("That's some pretty sicko sh**," mutters Dantes) Then I slowly went insane, took to wandering off alone, and I
was found dead on a rainy night, looking out an open window for my girl,
Ghost Cathy. I was buried beside her as I desired, and the locals have seen my ghost
and my Cathy's ghost in the moors together. So the author gave me
everything I ever wanted, in life (revenge) and in death (my Cathy) and I
didn't have to even redeem myself or atone for any of my sins to earn it.
I was invincible and omnipotent.
ED: I was also invincible and omnipotent, but I still had a conscience
and I'm still recognizable as a human being. My book is 3x longer than
yours and I had never hit a woman, I certainly wouldn't have forced any of
them to marry against their will. I have nothing to do with that awful
movie,
A Modern Monte Cristo (1917)
which sounds more like you instead of me.
 |
| Looks like Twilight. Oh Hell no! |
H: Oh yeah, let's talk about movies! The most famous one of me was in
1939, with a young and handsome and magnetic Laurence Olivier, with Merele
Oberon as my Cathy. The film-makers revised me completely by removing
every chapter where I'm a total d-bag, and that secured my place in pop
culture as a romantic hero. Knowing only half my story, people would name
kids, pets, comic strips after me! The famous book series,
Twilight touts my book as Bella Swan's fave. So I had reached a
whole new teen audience from 2005-2008.
ED: But people reading your book would realize that you're not any sort
of hero- you're cruel and capricious. The overwhelming majority of my
movies are terrible and cut too many corners or put me with the wrong girl
in the end. The one that came closest to my book had me acting ice-cold
towards the girl I'm supposed to find a new life with.
About these editions. They were part of a Y.A. literature series, published in the late 1940's by JJ Little & Ives. I really like this series. Although I have multiple editions of The Count of Monte Cristo, this particular version does an exemplary job in distilling the essence of the original into a smaller footprint- like 25% of the original.
Wuthering Heights- I was motivated to read it because it came up in a book club discussion. I made it clear that I was reading the Y.A. version and not the original, but even so, this version of the book did not make me misunderstand anything. I followed along just fine, and in reading the comments of others, and my own contributions to the discussion, there was no doubt that we were all reading the same book. Plot holes, mind-boggling amounts of character stupidity and constant and confusing narrator swaps were in-common to the original AND the JJ Little & Ives version, as well as the pure vileness and evil that is Heathcliff.
The main difference is that my edition removed about 50% of the text, re-translated Joseph's thick Yorkshire accent into something comprehensible and revamped the whole book into a very pleasant and utterly readable Modern English. That's generally my observation of this whole series... very nicely done modernizations and abridgements of Victorian-era literature. If you're an adult who wants to introduce your tweens to The Classics, or if you're an adult who missed out on reading these (but have little patience for old-timey, overly-wordy classics of that era), I'd recommend buying a set of these books.
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